I am grateful every day to be married to a man who not only tolerates my imperfections, but by simply being around him, makes me want to be better.
My last blog was about me admiring my husband and the sacrifices he makes and continues to make. How he never wants for anything and is humble. It was about me striving to be humble, like him, and wishing for others (LOTS AND LOTS OF OTHERS...not just one person)...to learn some of the lessons I have learned and continue to learn every single day about sacrifice. If you saw yourself in my words, perhaps the assumption needs to be that our stories may be more alike than they are different.
I received numerous messages both privately and publicly on my last blog reiterating that gratitude for the small things is a wonderful life lesson and many of you shared with me the difficult ways you found it or how you struggle with it. For some of you it's taken bankruptcy, divorce, death of a loved one or losing valued relationships to find gratitude in the little things. A few of you even shared how you still can't find it. I love my friends and the things you all share with me. I was in tears reading some of your messages, tears of joy and sorrow, your words of both triumph and struggle humbled me and reminded me that we are all more alike than different. BUT...it is the one private message I got, the one where the sender thought I was judging someone else's life, (and being a bit angry about it) that sat with me. Blame is a game that nobody wins. If you read my words and think of yourself or someone you know, and feel angry, maybe it's time for self-examination rather than pointing a finger with the thoughts that I am judging you. Who am I to judge, for our actions will all be judged one day by a much more important person than yours truly.
So, for those of you that shared your own struggles on learning how to be grateful or those of you not satisfied with a mini-version of why I adore my husbands ability to be humble in a world that strives for material wealth, here is the long version. I am grateful, today more than any other, for my family and the journey that has brought me to right now. This is my story, my journey, my lessons, my choices, my mistakes
DISCLAIMER...any similarity between my life and your own are purely coincidental...my life is interesting, dysfunctional, selfish, and crazy enough...I don't need to borrow from yours! ;-) (Yes, I'm talking to you...and you over there...and you hiding behind your monitor...and you on your laptop on the couch...)
CARS
Three times in my life, my car has needed minor repairs and rather than fixing it, I bought a new car. The first time, I was 18. I'd had a pretty traumatic experience at the private university I started the school year off at and was really feeling down. Self-esteem from a car? You bet. I was 18, a freshman at University of Oregon, working 2 jobs, living at home with my mom. My car needed a $179 part, a tube of some sort that I had previously taped with duct tape. It was making the most horrific squealing sound that could be heard miles away when I drove. My mechanic said my car was in great shape, if not for that hole in that tube, he said to fix it, the car would last another few years. I traded in my 1979 Ford Mustang the very next day for a super sporty little car, a 1988 Honda CRX. I didn't care what HE said...a $179 repair or a $125/month car payment (for 3 years...) it was a no-brainer...give me the car payment! I sure did look cute pulling up to campus in that little car. Over the course of the next 3 years, that super sporty CRX that my mechanic told me not to buy, was an endless money pit. I put a new engine in it and less than a year later, a clutch, then a transmission, then...when the brakes started squealing, I traded it in the very next day. The car was paid for, practically rebuilt, but I wanted a new car. I convinced Kent that we shouldn't sink more money into it (not even a $89 brake job at Midas) and we bought a brand new Toyota Tercel. A little car, but just right for our little family. So, we traded in my squeaky-braked CRX for a shiny new bright red Tercel with a car payment we had no business taking on living off of Kent's teacher's salary and having two small kids at home. The final time I opted for a new car over a repair job, was in 1994. My mini-van had been so reliable, but was showing it's age. When the air conditioning went out, I traded it in the next day. No car payment (but no air-conditioning) to a car payment in 24 hours. Yeah me.
EATING OUT
Back in the day (okay, so maybe 2 years ago)...but before the recession, before I knew what a budget was, before I learned a lot of the life lessons that I now follow like a second religion...I can confess that we spent on average $500 a month eating out. (You may politely gasp here.) We went out to lunch every Wednesday and Friday and had date night once a week. We ate out as a family at least once a week, and often at places that would mean a $100 check. We'd go to The Melting Pot frequently and not think twice about a $200 dinner (who doesn't love a chocolate martini or 2?). We ate lunch at PF Chang's about twice a month, and it always included my favorite food in the world, lettuce wraps: appetizers, lunch, a glass of wine, no problem. A $75 lunch was fine by me. We once spent $300 in one month just at our favorite Sushi place. Really. (You may gasp again here, and this time shake your head in disgust.)
CELL PHONES
The latest, the greatest, big plans, nice phones, big monthly bills. I have a vivid memory of my oldest daughter telling me they did something in her Character and Ethics class in 9th grade where the kids had to hold their phones out and then the class essentially put the kids in some sort of order, based solely on their phones. How relieved was I that she had the newest, coolest phone at the time, (a bright pink RAZR). For that was a status symbol, and I was so glad she was at the top of the proverbial food chain. Happiness from a cell phone...yep.
VACATIONS
Disney World twice in the same year, Vegas weekends twice a year, long weekends at a $250/night bed and breakfast several times a year. We worked hard all year, we deserved it. Did it really matter if most of it was put on our credit card?
My Dirty Little Secret
For 2 years I treated myself to beautiful solar nails at my favorite little salon. Every two weeks, nice new nails, and every 4 a wonderful pedicure. Starbucks? Every single day. Sometimes twice.
PROMISES
When Kent married me, he also married my 12 store charge cards and the $8,000 debt that came with it. When we got back from our honeymoon and I had a collection's call for a late payment for my Learner's card, I made a promise to him that day to never open a store charge account again. I've kept that promise for 20 years. Giving up designer labels, nice shoes, etc...that was easy, for all I have to do is think of my husband and the promise I made him. When a cashier says "Do you want to save an extra 10% today by opening a charge account"...I smile to myself and say no. My clothes are old, my wardrobe is small and if I got invited to a wedding, I'd have nothing to wear. And that, well, that is actually something for me to smile about. This is one thing I am actually quite proud of, if only I could have taken this lesson into all the areas of my life...
REALITY
My life may read like yours. Perhaps you see yourself in my stories, but they are mine. I've gotten happiness from cars, from phones, from shopping, from vacations that I can't even really remember taking. I've spent money I didn't have, made bad decisions and tried to keep up with "The Jones'". I am a material girl at heart, sorry mom, but it's true...I grew up that way. Am I that way now, no. And can I just say I owe that to a humble man named Kent.
CHOICES
I have a choice when I wake up, I have choice with every thing I do. I choose to put someone else first ahead of myself. Do I want to be a stay-at-home mom again, yes. Do I want a nice new car, yes. Do I want nice clothes, yes. Do I want manicures and pedicures, yes. Do I want nice vacations, yes. Do I want to go shopping and buy nice things and drink Starbucks, yes. But I want my daughter to go to college more. I want my son to play the cello more. I want my daughter to concentrate on her grades, volunteer and do school plays instead of work at Wendy's more. I want those things for my kids more than I could ever want or need anything for myself.
REALITY CHECK...
My reality check came in May 2010 with our first tuition bill for our daughter. We've always told her, work hard and your dreams will come true. Work hard and you can go to any school you want to, we will make it happen. I promised, we promised, that all her hard work, all those sacrifices made by her would have it's reward. When I looked at our spending and looked at our income and looked at the tuition bill...it hit me. I realized, that I would not deny my daughter her future because I am selfish. The money we needed, it was there, but it was being wasted on things that were not important. They seemed important at the time, but were so insignificant in the grander scheme of my life. I've never been a big picture kind of person, I've been a NOW kind of person. Shit. As Dr. Phil would say..."How's that workin' for ya?" ...um, not too great!
My kids...they are my reality. My selfish needs...who am I kidding, let's get real they aren't needs...my selfish wants had to go.
How do you take 40 years of habits and change overnight? Look into your child's eyes for just the briefest of seconds and if you don't decide their needs are greater than your wants, well, I just can't even imagine how you'd call yourself a parent. All I had to do was see the excitement in my daughter's eyes over her college acceptance letter and my life changed. That instant.
PROGRESS
The "kids car" is a 9 year old paid-off Volvo, which they must share with dad every Wednesday when he moonlights across town or occasional weekends when he is at an ER out-of-town because his previously mentioned (see my last blog) 22 year old truck overheats and smokes if you go more than a mile. This scratched and dinged Volvo isn't the prettiest thing on the road: it has a bumper barely hanging on for it's life and is missing the gas cap and for the past 2 years a crack all the way across the windshield (fixed a few weeks ago). When it needed a new brake job last month and our mechanic said it would be $300 (and the little material girl inside me wanted to go buy a new car), we fixed it instead. I'd say that is progress.
